The Diary of a Troll
Date: 22nd April 2015
Today I am going to share something new about my life. I watch pornography frequently and I do so by exploring different categories which are available on the website. Today I discovered that there is a Gay Porn category. It was strange to discover that Gay porn redirects the webpage to a separate page, but Lesbian porn is part of the content of regular porn. Out of curiosity I watched the content of this newly discovered category. Surprisingly, I did not get disgusted by watching it, instead I enjoyed watching it just as much I have enjoyed watching the regular porn. I found this strange because I didn’t think I was homosexual or bisexual. Maybe it was the excitement of exploring a new discovery that made me like it. I know I am straight, I would know if I wasn’t right?
Date: 25th October 2016
I have started to doubt if I completely understand my sexual self. The last time that I wrote about it was thetime when I had watched gay porn. A lot has happened after that. I kept watching it from time to time because I liked watching what was shownin it. I understood it later that porn is a farcical representation of sex and that real life has different angels to it. I found pleasure in watching what I used to watch while holding the belief that homosexuality, just like heterosexuality is not all about sex. Contrary to what has been shown to us in movies, two men or two women can have romantic feelings for each other. A person’s homosexuality is not just a vehicle for exploring unknown territories.
John and I stayed a little longer in the pool to complete a few more laps. It was late by the time we got out and everyone had left the locker room. I watched John taking shower and I got aroused by looking at him. I knew he was a good-looking guy and that girls admired him, but I never thought that I would admire him that way. John caught me looking at him and he asked me to join in. Yes, we had our moment and then we left without talking about it. After this I cannot stop thinking about two things: a) The fact that I enjoyed whatever happened between us b) If I enjoyed what happened, does that make me a Bisexual?
If I go by the definition of Bisexuality, then it is a person who is sexually, romantically and physically attracted to both men and women. The problem is that after my moment with John, I realized that I was only sexually attracted to him, but I was not romantically attracted to him orto any guy in this world. I never fanaticized going out with a guy, but I have fanaticized having sexual relations with them. I have romantic and sexual fantasies about girls. This absence of romantic feelings towards guys makes me think that I am not bisexual, and these sexual fantasies are just a negative influence of those porn videos I watched. I think I am a Troll (someone who is sex-cruising with people of same gender). I do not think that Homosexuality is unnatural, but it is just that my sexual feelings are not natural because if they were, I would have had romantic feelings for John.
Date: 13thJanuary 2017
I disagree with myself that whatever feelings I had for men was a result of pornography. I stopped watching porn, but I still feel the same way for Men. I don’t know if I am a Troll, but whatever I feel is inside me. I still cannot say that I am a Bisexual because of absence of romantic feelings towards men. If only I was able to explore this side of me more. The only exploration that I was able to do was while watching those videos and that day with John. We need a safe space to understand new things, right? I clearly don’t have that.
I think I should stop worrying about this. Hopefully, I will get an answer to why I am confused about my Sexual Orientation.
Date: 19th March 2018
Labels. They were made so that our lives become more organized and we make our decisions quickly. We made social labels such as Man-Woman, Black-White, Gay-Straight, to make quick decisions on how to behave with them. These labels come with some meaning and when put on someone, it creates boundaries for them. This hunger of labelling myself into something was the reason why I was so perplexed in understanding my sexual identity. I labelled myself as a Trollbecause I did not understand myself.
The other day I got low because of the end of my 11-month relationship with Stella. I was googling a lot of things until I googled “I am bisexual but I don’t feel romantic about being with a guy”. I read a few articles and got answers to my questions. I got to understand that sexuality and romanticism are two different things. I read about the concept of cross-orientation of sex and romance. I read a lot of stories and I understand that a person’s Sexuality and their Romance do not go hand in hand. I understood that I was what people recognize as a“Heteroromantic Bisexual”.
When people do not understand things properly they label them with their limited knowledge. This is exactly what I did by calling myself a Troll. Today, I free myself from labels and I celebrate my freedom by accepting who I am, I am a HeteroromanticBisexual. Wait, that was a label. I am What I am and I must take myself as I am. I am not a Heteroromantic Bisexual, I am me.
Surya Kiran Singh is third-year law student at O. P. Jindal Global University, Sonipat, Haryana.